South Park Series: The Cartman Family
I freaking love South Park. The satirical show has had its thumb on popular culture for the past 22 seasons, though it is really summing up the zeitgeist in our current political climate succinctly. “Put It Down” is more poignant than many actual political arguments.
No doubt, one of the most iconic figures is professional pot-stirrer Eric Cartman. Hilariously self-centered and emotionally manipulative, Cartman adds the real spice to the show. While definitely a secondary character, Cartman’s mother provides an interesting flair to any scene she’s in. The relationship between the sweet woman and her spoiled son is obviously dysfunctional, but her love and devotion are real.
INCOME: $18,200
So let’s get to the nitty gritty! We know Liane Cartman works two jobs to pay the bills, and that Cartman family is the poorest in South Park outside of Kenny. She has had a previous crack addiction and has a healthy sexual appetite. She even modeled some for Crack Whore Magazine back in the day! Even though South Park isn’t trying to put a positive spin on her storyline (literally she started out as a way to slut shame Parker’s ex), I like Liane – she’s a good mother trying to raise a child with behavioral issues, she’s a single mother on a popular tv show, and she’s shown as enjoying sex.
It’s not exactly stated what her jobs are, so I got to get creative with this one! Her jobs must offer a good deal of flexibility since she’s always available for her son. With her previous modeling history, I wonder if she’s a sex worker, either in a more traditional sense or as a cam model. We need more normalization of sex work, so I’m rolling with it. Let’s assume that either through clients (4 clients) or cam sessions (10 hours a week at $30/hr), she’s able to bring down $1,200 a month. This is a conservative estimate, but does leave plenty of free time in her schedule and factors in age and tech savviness. Personal expenses such as lingerie, waxing, makeup, and blowouts can be written off on taxes, but still come in at an annual cost of at least $2,600. As a side note: I adore Refinery29’s Money Diaries (see my review on the book, site, and podcast here) and this one on a high profile cam girl is super enlightening.
The episode “Cartmanland” gives us some good insight in the family dynamics of Cartman’s extended family. When Cartman’s grandmother Mabel dies, she leaves $1 million to him because the rest of the family would probably just “spend it on crack.” Getting in the punches even in death, Grandma.
EXPENSES: $30,149
Mabel clearly had some money know-how, and even though she wouldn’t have given cash to her daughter, I could see her purchasing a home and car to provide for her grandson. Nothing extravagant, but something to take the pressure off Liane. That leaves the unfixed expenses for Liane to take care of: health insurance, groceries, gas, and the like. Groceries will run about $400 a month between the copious amounts of junk food, energy drinks, and chocolate chicken pot pies. KFC, McDonald’s, and Mexican food will tack on almost another $1,500 a year! Gas and car insurance will run another $270 a month, and utilities roughly $556 a month (this includes electricity, water, waste, iPhones, internet, security, a variety of tv subscriptions, and cable).
Finally, I think we can all agree that the highest expenses will come from Cartman’s expensive tastes. Weekends are filled with amusement parks, movie outings, and other events. Liane says she can’t afford a new iPad, but a Toshiba tablet is doable. Cartman often picks up pricey toys. Those things add up to at least another $100 monthly, with a much higher price tag during the holidays. Can you imagine being in charge of Cartman’s presents and holiday feasts during Christmas?!
NET INCOME: $(11,949)
All in all, if Liane didn’t bend to Cartman’s will on expenses, you could cut out restaurants, toys, allowances, and entertainment of nearly $5,000 a year. At least his more extravagant ventures are funded by his own ingenuity, like the Go Fund Yourself campaign.
Still, here we have another example of tv magic – income and expenses are not matching up, even with credit card costs factored in. Perhaps Liane works more, but she would still need to bring in another $12,000 at least to break even. Chances are she’s skimping on savings, retirement, or health insurance to make ends meet while still providing Cartman with all the material items his heart desires.
What do you think about the Cartman family finances? Connect with me on social media, leave a comment, or drop me a line so I can hear your thoughts!
*As always, the numbers provided are estimations based on my knowledge of the content, a little research, and pure speculation. If you are interested in seeing the sources I used or the calculations I came up with, you can find the spreadsheet here. Want to see the finances of your favorite character? Submit here.
